Everyone I know is Ridiculous

Everyone’s got a doomsday theory these days. You’re probably familiar with the usual end times entourage: Solar flares, the Mayans and their long count calendar (seriously I haven't seen a scheduling system that bad since Lotus Notes), and of course, good old Nostradamus who’s been predicting hell fire and doom for the past 500 years. So it’s only fair that I get to throw my hat in the ring with a few last-call prophecies of my own. As a sage soothsayer who blends starling foresight with fine Kentucky bourbon, it’s the myth, the legend, the functioning alcoholic: Drunkadamus. Gather round sports fans and let’s start this lampoon, Don’t crowd Drunkadamus (I’ve been blotto since noon) I've never liked being the bearer of bad news, But mankind’s last days come with a number of clues. No more ass and cart in these modern new ages, Metal chariots will be built with levers and gauges. With road rage and accidents off the proverbial charts. It's clear that the asses are now drivin...

I'm not saying there's a shortage of southern gentlemen in DC, but I've lived in the area since 2008 and the last man to open the door for me was a locksmith. Southern gentleman in the Washington Metro Area come around as rarely as a blue moon or a Republican who doesn't sound like he's acting on orders from the planet Unetav. The trouble is, the area is teeming with the Southern Gentleman's natural enemy: the bro . Bro outbreak? Try "Bro Bomb" by the makers of "Bro Be Gone" Bros can be identified by their pastel hues, gelled hair, and of course, douchey sense of entitlement. Spotting a bro is also often accompanied by the overwhelming desire to punch him in the face until your hand breaks. If there's still confusion, please refer to the below test to assist in categorizing your specimen: Subject holds his liquor like a: (a) Gentleman. (b) Sixteen year girl. Subject has taken a picture of himself using his own cell phone, then posted s...

1) More than a third of Major League baseball pitchers are left-handers, about three times the average among the general population. 2) Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. 3) The duck-billed platypus a semi aquatic egg-laying mammal indigenous to eastern Australia, including Tasmania. It is the only egg-laying mammal known to man and some of its more cuddly features include venous foot spurs and double cone eyes which it uses to see into your soul. But this terrifying creature can do more than simply be a crime against nature: "We have a case for you detectives!" 4) The rock band AC/DC 's name is a tribute to the rivalry between Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison . 5) James Jesus Angleton , the left handed counterintelligence chief at the CIA from 1954 to 1975, suffered from crippling paranoia. But he like, these other unheeded paranoiacs , turned ...

5) There's a Wikipedia page containing a fairly comprehensive list of practical jokes, pranks, gags, and shenanigans . Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up some verbal agreement forms for work. 4) There is an alarming amount of information available for becoming a successful RPS (Rock, Paper, Scissors) player. 3) UFO enthusiast argue that proof of Ancient Aliens is clear from the many portrayals of flying crafts and discs in prehistoric paintings . It may seem strange to make a claim evidence of extraterrestrials is based on their appearance in arguably fictitious religious works, like finding elephants in pictures of u nicorns. "You know, sometimes it feels like I don't actually exist." 2) An eidetic or photographic memory is a vivid visual recollec tion with limited exposure. Neither have been scientifically proven, attribute d instead to use of mnemonic devices, even obsessive compulsive disorder, however many notable people , including Niko...

5) 20% of Mensa members are left-handed while only 7% to 15% of the general population is. Mensa requires a score in the 98% on certain IQ tests resulting in an approximate IQ of 140. 4) I can only assume the richest families in the world have mo problems. 3) The Dyatlov Pass incident is an eerie event that occurred on February 2, 1959 when nine highly experienced hikers died in the Ural mountains. The following investigation yielded more questions than answers . It was discovered the hikers had frantically cut through their tent racing into the night barefoot or partially clothed. All were found with bizarre injuries, such as broken bones, a severely fractured skull, and one hiker was missing her tongue and eyes. The inquest could only determine the causes of death as the result of an "unknown compelling force". 2) The most popular Monopoly game piece by far is dapper Top Hat. Look the part, be the part. The back story on the remaining pieces is about as exciting as th...

Romantic comedies have told us a lot of lies over the years. They would have us believe that the following gestures are the height of romance: Emotional reunion in the rain; Extended dance sequence; Feeding one another (let the record show the only time it's ever appropriate to feed a significant other is after one of you has been hit by a bus); Bathing one another (see above). But the number one, single most over-rated romantic activity of all time: the lazy Sunday in bed. Oh sure, on paper it sounds delightful—a full day devoted entirely to gentle napping with that special someone. But the stark reality is a different story. My most recent "lazy Sunday" had all the relaxing zen of an internment camp. Ladies, don't be fooled, the moment you set foot in his apartment you're not a guest, you're a POW. 9:00am: The morning's off to a good start with some, er, adult cuddling. But it's a clever tactic to leave defenses lowered. Suddenly I'm ensnared in ...

It took awhile for my parents to come to terms with to my diagnosis of bipolar disorder . For reasons we may never understand, my mother had a markedly easier time accepting the diagnosis than my father. But the other day, my dad told me he thinks he's finally understanding it. "I mean," he explained, "if you see blue unicorns running up and down Connecticut Avenue, who cares? Maybe I see red unicorns. The point is, we all have our unicorns." "Well Dad, mine are actually pink." "Well, I think they're actually white, aren't they?" "Well, they actually don't exist so I guess there's no reason to argue about the color, but I see your point, and it actually means a lot." "Just remember Peanut, we all have our unicorns." Any situation that can prompt my father, with his PhD in atomic physics to discuss blue unicorns with me simply because he's trying to better understand what I'm experiencing, makes me...

What's it like being diagnosed as Bipolar II? Imagine you're going through a particularly rough period in your life and you have these two asshole roommates who are at your place all the time. Bipolar II is a tricky rascal to diagnosis. What distinguishes it from Bipolar I is the absence of Bipolar I's trademark mania . Because the Bipolar II spectrum only reaches hypomania , a mood state characterized by increased energy, productivity and confidence, it's often mistaken for simple high-functioning behavior. Mania wants to fly to Vegas, rob a Casino, and start a high-speed police chase. Hypomania would rather work quietly and efficiently on a home improvement project or screenplay. Hypomania's my jam. For me, it shows up like a childhood friend on your front porch who asks "Want to ride bikes?" The world feels like it's on your side when you're hypomanic. It roots for you, shows you possibilities and connections. It's influenced my writing ...

ge·nius noun \ˈjēn-yəs, ˈjē-nē-əs\ a : a single strongly marked capacity or aptitude b : extraordinary intellectual power especially as manifested in creative activity c : a person endowed with transcendent mental superiority;especially : a person with a very high IQ Maybe it sounds strange, but growing up, having a genius dad never really seemed like that big a deal.  I mean, I knew he had a PhD in  atomic physics  from the University of Connecticut.  And that our deep thoughts differed in their respective complexity: Me: "Whatcha thinking about Dad?" Dad: " Quantum entanglement . Whatcha thinking about Deb?" Me: "If Penny [our cat] would change the color of her fur if she could ." But it wasn't until I was older and stumbled across his thesis defense while cleaning out a closet—Inelastic Energy Loss and Charge State Measurements of Inner-shell Excitations in Xenon Ion-atom Collisions...yeah, that's what SHE said—that I began to realize, ...

  It's incredibly common for dyslexics to second guess ourselves. How could we not? A substantial portion of our academic life was spent realizing — or being told — that our perception of a word, number, or sentence was wrong.  I'd always figured a college degree would be my dyslexic checkmate. We'd shake hands on graduation day and part on good terms. I'd look back that one last time and think "You know, I'm really going to miss that sumbitch." I didn't anticipate it turning up outside the lecture halls and classrooms of my academic career. The realization that dyslexia had tagged along to adulthood felt profoundly unfair. If everyone else was able to outgrow their respective childhood Achilles heels, why couldn't I? Imagine discovering that, regardless of the field you went into, each work day began with rigorous game of dodge ball. Those first post-graduation experiences felt like a series of awkward encounters with an ex. Heated and bit...

The fruit were restless. The Apples were anxious. The Cantaloupes were concerned. The Bananas were bothered. The Peaches were prickly. The Pineapple People are coming… When the news came through the grapevine, the fruit families called an emergency meeting. No one knew anything about the Pineapple People, or why they were coming, or what they might want. “We’ve heard they’re 20 feet tall,” said the Oranges. “We’ve heard they speak a strange language,” said the Pears. “We’ve heard they eat other fruit!” said the Apricots. “Friends,” the Coconuts cooed. “There is nothing to fear. They were the oldest and wisest of the fruit and had seen hard times in the grove before. “The Pineapple People are coming. Yes, they will look and speak very differently. But they will not hurt our colony or bring harm to our grove.” Many of the fruit listened. They knew the Coconuts were the most clever and honest of all the fruit. The Kiwis, who were very deep thinkers decided they would welcome the Pi...

Ever since college where we learned fundamental life skills like living away from home, choosing a non- Liberal Arts major , and how to shotgun a beer, I'd resigned myself to the notion that the English major's lot in life was to see the nuance and beauty in an otherwise mechanical, left-brained world, and not perhaps drive economic trends, truly understand what a hedge fund is, or say things like: "Divide my assets between my 401k and my Roth IRA," or "We don't need to find a different ATM. My balance is high enough to cover the foreign ATM fee." And I was okay with that. Truly fine with the notion that what I lacked in capital, I made up for in my ability to shotgun a beer. Certain that society needed both sharks and sheep. Career-driven capitalist every bit as much as hippy humanitarians. The "Type-A" predators with their smart, aggressive life and career decisions, and those of us content to bumble through job and relationship choices wit...

A 2007 study showed that a staggering 88% of people who set New Year's Resolutions fail. That means when you start your diet, commit to stop smoking, or vow to finally organize that closet, inevitably you're just going to wind up back in bed with my ex-boyfriend. In theory, we would be constantly improving our New Year's Resolution making abilities. Each year's respective successes and failures should build on the proceedings year's experience until we've amassed a giant bank of New Year's Resolution wisdom and insight. Instead, January 1st slinks by like a guilty ex-boyfriend trying to sneak out of my apartment unnoticed, but for the unmistakable sense of déjà vu left behind. A 12% success rate is a pretty poor showing. To put that in perspective, 12% is the same ranking Batman and Robin received on Rotten Tomatoes. Why do we struggle to maintain our Resolutions each year? And if doing so only sets ourselves up for failure, why do we make them at all? Li...

I love conspiracy theories . I love them so much I want to take them behind the gym and get them pregnant. And I'm not alone. Be it the Lindbergh baby, the Apollo 11 moon landing, or the theory that Breyers engineered Birthday Cake Ice Cream just to make me fat, certain events throughout history have conspiracy theorists convinced that the general public isn't being told the full story. The concept of conspiracy theories has evolved throughout history. It wasn't always the modern notion of wild-eyed nutters holed up in basements with heads wrapped in tinfoil. Historically, False Flags , such as the Trojan Horse , a deceptive peace offering used during the Trojan War which allowed the Greeks to enter the city of Troy, were viewed as legitimate tales of caution against taking events at face value. But experience has taught us that not every horse is filled with an army of Greek soldiers, so what exactly causes conspiracy theories to develop in the first place? As a self-...

If all the cities in the U.S. met up for drinks one night after work, D.C. would show up late, bogart the pitcher of sangria, dominate the table conversation, then plop down a ten spot when it was time to split the tab. An hour later, D.C. would make a booty call to a metropolitan equivalent of a 5—Richmond for example—show up sloppy, be lazy in the sack, and not even give a courtesy call the next day. The point is, D.C. is a taker . Recently, a work project dominated the lion's share of my free time. Like a tornado through a Kansas City trailer park, my nights, weekends, even lunches were sucked into the vacuum. And after the storm, like a Kansas City trailer park resident, I was confused, disorientated and left with the question: "Where the hell are my pants?" D.C. is the type town that will gladly accept all the extra we're willing to give. From our jobs that asks for few hours on the weekends, to the metro which wants our patience while single-tracking, to the h...

5) Heterochromia iridum , or  having two different color eyes, occurs in approximately six out of 1,000. 4) This horse from Turkey was announced the most  beautiful horse in the world . But is he single? 3) Currently unsolved or open problems or conjectures exist in the fields of neuroscience, linguistics and philosophy. We really do have 99 problems. 2) I'm working on a political piece that's a comprehensive commentary examining how the changing roles of women and religion affect sensitive DC politics. For example, the female, lesbian, Muslim, atheist I work for is so Jewish— 1) It's not that Japan was asking for all those Godzilla  attacks, alls I'm saying is, it just doesn't seem to be that much of a problem for other countries.

When you have a mental illness, it feels like your life path becomes limited. As a social misfit with perceived special abilities your career options narrow down to (1) member of the X-Men; or (2) loner shut-in who freelances as a speech writer for Donald Trump. Natasha Tracey addresses this dichotomy in her article Do the Mentally Ill Have to Be Extraordinary to Be Accepted ? Otherworldly brilliance, extraordinary talent, and creative genius are buffers that soften the Stigma of what it means to have a mental illness. And while some research has shown a correlation between mental illness and certain characteristics attributed to high functioning achievement, the underlying message remains that mental illness is something a person must compensate for. You can't have a mental illness, you're not a rocket scientist. Nice try, Mr. Poe , no one else hears the ravens, back to your padded cell. ] Imagine everyone was held to the same standard. Suddenly the days of innocent...

When I turned 30 and received my key to the kingdom of relationship insights—you'll know more when you get there, I'm not really supposed to talk about it—I finally understood why so many people spend their twenties in relationships where they're less liked than Gwyneth Paltrow. Our twenties are quite possibly the worst time to seek out a romantic partner. When we're in our twenties, we are actually terrible judges of our own character. But ask any twenty-something and they'll tell you how they're smarter than the average person. And harder working. More mature and pragmatic. Less likely to panic in a crisis. And a better driver. But by thirty, both you and your potential mate, will have had a few real world experiences under your belt to give you a better sense of the person you truly are. By thirty, it's likely you've dealt with a profound personal or professional setback; or the death of a loved one; or a serious health issue; or been dishonorab...